You want to help your child at home, in all the hours after therapy ends. So you start looking for someone who can teach you how.

Autism parent training teaches the adults around an autistic child how to build that child's communication and get through daily life together. I'm Dr. Catherine C. Acotto, PhD, CCC-SLP. I've spent 26 years and more than 50,000 hours with non-speaking and minimally speaking autistic children, and I've seen how much of a child's communication depends on the people around them.

Why train the parent and not only the child?

How much a child communicates depends a great deal on how the people around them respond. When an adult responds consistently, promptly and warmly to early signals, the child learns that communicating works. When signals keep getting missed, the child learns that communication is unreliable.

So when the adults change how they interact, the child's communication changes too.

A family I worked with had a seven-year-old daughter, non-speaking, who was using her AAC device on her own at home and combining symbols. At her grandmother's house, she stopped using the device. She stopped starting anything. She sat near the door and waited to go home.

Her grandmother loved her deeply. Nobody had ever shown her what to do, so she did what most adults do: she directed, asked questions, offered items and waited for an answer, and prompted for eye contact.

We spent one session with her grandmother and gave her three rules:

1. Sit nearby without an agenda.
2. When she sends a signal, any signal, respond warmly before anything else.
3. Show her single symbols on the device, a step below what she does at home, so every exchange succeeds.

At the next visit, her granddaughter used the device three times. What had changed was how her grandmother responded.

What does autism parent training usually teach?

Most programs teach some version of the same habits: notice your child's communication, follow their lead, and respond to their attempts. If you'd like to compare the programs by name, I walk through More Than Words, Caregiver Skills Training, AAC partner training and PECS here.

Here's how I teach those habits:

• See the signal. A look, a reach, a sound, a line from a movie, a move toward the door.
• Respond warmly right away. Your response teaches your child that the signal worked.
• Leave room for the next one. After you respond, wait at least 10 seconds before doing anything else.
• Let your child lead. When an adult picks the activity and asks the questions, the child's job becomes answering. Your child has less room to start something.

What part of parent training often gets left out?

Your own nervous system.

This piece is so often left out of parent training, and I teach it early. Your nervous system directly affects your child's nervous system. People who are close to each other read and respond to each other's state of calm or stress. This is called coregulation.

You can sit quietly and follow your child's focus, and if your body is carrying urgency, anxiety or frustration, your child's nervous system will pick that up. Stress spreads between you. So does calm.

When you slow your breathing, lower your voice and soften your posture, your child's body picks that up as well. Your calm is one of the most powerful tools you own.

Before an interaction, especially a hard one, pause for five seconds. Lower your shoulders. Soften your face. Then begin.

What can I practice this week?

Choose one time each day when your child is calm and open to connecting, and spend 10 to 15 minutes on this:

1. Settle yourself first. Five breaths, shoulders down, slow pace.
2. Bring no plan. No activity, no toy, no agenda. Let your child choose.
3. Ask no questions. Watch and receive.
4. Respond to any signal, warmly and right away.
5. Wait at least 10 seconds after you respond, so there's space for the next signal.
6. Write it down. After each session, note every signal you saw that you hadn't noticed before.

Frequently asked questions

Is parent training only for parents?

Every adult in your child's life is a communication partner: grandparents, siblings, teachers, caregivers. They don't need to become therapists. Give them the basics: recognize the signal, respond warmly and don't insist on one way of communicating.

Does parent training replace my child's therapy?

No. It adds to what your child already has, and what you learn can help everyone on your child's team.

What if I'm too stressed to stay calm?

Start with the five-second pause before one interaction a day. You can build from there.

My child does well with me but not in other places. Why?

Often the skill is still there, and the new person hasn't learned how to receive it yet. Start with one person and give them a few simple rules, the way we did with the grandmother above.

Start with one signal this week

The same watching works for the hard moments in your day. My free guide, The Transition Signal Guide, shows you the signals your child sends before a transition falls apart, and what to try first.

Get The Transition Signal Guide

Dr. Catherine C. Acotto, PhD, CCC-SLP